Kill Bvill
by Hierophant of Ix
Summary: My homage to Kill Phil, by Sponge... Because I did this fic, Phil and his gang shot me in the head, therefore I rampage and I roar... Follow me, The Crazed Wannabe Uma Thurman Look Alike, TCWUTLA, as i seek revenge against the Fatal Cobra Fanfic Squad
1. Prelude

Kill Bvill v1

"Revenge is a dish best served cold"- Old Klingon Proverb

Everything is black...Out of nowhere, some random old song begins to play...

_I was five and he was six, _

_We used to like picking up random sticks._

_One day he turned around,_

_And he shot me to the ground_

_Bang Bang_

_I fell down and hit the ground_

_Bang Bang,_

_I didn't even make a sound_

_Bang Bang_

_He shot me down to the ground_

_Bang Bang_

_And (as previously mentioned before) I didn't make a sound..._

Ragged breathing begins, and we hear a voice (in the completely sane way)...

"Do you find me sadistic?

We see a woman lying on the floor. She looks like she has taken a spaghetti-western-style gang beating. Her face is bloody, beaten up, and torn. All is black and white for some reason. A hand appears, and begins to wipe some of the blood off the woman's face with a handkerceif, with an embroidered 'Bvill' on it. She glares maliciously at him...

"I bet I could fry an egg of your head about now, if I wanted to."

He continues to slowly wipe away the blood...

"No kiddo, I'd like to believe, even now, you're aware enough to know there isn't a trace of sadism in my actions...Okay, maybe to these other jokers, but not to you."

She continues to glare and breathe raggedly...

"No Kiddo at this moment, this is me at my most masochistic."

And now, the woman on the floor begins to speak... However, she isn't a woman, but a male... a male with long hair...

"Bvill, I wrote it in the Author's Note...It's your stor- BANG!" A gunshot, and blackness as we hear a splattering sound...

Black out and Bang music again.

_Oh, how we liked those random sticks,_

_Bang Bang_

_We would use them as guns_

_Bang Bang_

_One day he looked at me_

_Bang Bang_

_and my baby shot me down_

_Bang Bang..._

Kyle is proud to present

The Fourth Fanfiction by Apucalypse

A roaring tale of violence, death, and maybe even some fanfiction...

Featuring

Several people who I do not know as members of:

**The Fatal Cobra Fanfic Squad**

And The Crazed Wannabe Uma Thurman Look Alike (Kyle) as:

_The Crazed Wannabe Uma Thurman Look Alike_

Starring

Marc as...Nineteenth Angel

Helen as... Beloved fool

Nancy as... Deadly Sirens

Tom as... Various versions of Tom

Adam as... Soviet Man

Bvil (formerly known as Phil) as... Himself

And so you have it... The top secret homage to one of my favourite Fanfics...

It is the 4th fanfiction, and the 9th internetly published work by Apucalypse.

It is a tale of copying and obsessing.

It is a tale of revenge for the copying and obsessing.

It is a rip-roaring tale of BLOOD, DEATH, and FANFICTION,

And when The Crazed Wannabe Uma Thurman Look Alike gets to where he is going,

he is going to,

**KILL **

**BVILL**


	2. Chapter One: 2

Kill Bvill v1

Chapter One:

**"2"**

Some Random Californian Town/City

A bright neon truck screeches to a halt in front of a colourful suburban home. The door opens, and a yellow clad leg emerges...

DUM DUM DUUUUMM!

It is a woman who looks like The Crazed Uma Thurman Look Alike, except she isn't! She is really The Crazed _Wannabe_ Uma Thurman Look Alike (Kyle) (henceforth referred to as TCWUTLA). She walks along the stone path toward the colourful suburban home, tense and ready for battle. She extends a long, bony finger toward the doorbell. She rings it.

"Just a minute!...I swear, Susan, you are too earl-"

As she opens the door, the woman is cut off by TCWUTLA punching her in the face. She recovers immediately, backing up to avoid a lunge by TCWUTLA. They move inside her home, and TCWUTLA slams the door shut with her leg. The two crazed people begin to battle...all over the floor, the walls, and even the ceiling.

They move into the living room of the home, and proceed to avoid each other's attacks and effeciently demolish the furnishings of the room. After all furnishings and decor of the room are smashed to little smidgins on the floor, they move their battle to the kitchen, pretending to be focused on each other.

The woman grabs a knife off the cupboard as TCWUTLA draws her own dagger. They both begin to swipe maliciously at each other, missing each time. Suddenly, TCWUTLA extends her freakishly long bony leg to kick the woman square in the face, and she falls back toward the sink, unknowingly turning on the faucet.

The showerlike extendo-reach nozzel of the kitchen tap begins to spray water into the sink, and the woman accidentally makes it unhooked. Like a shower nozzel, the extendo-reach showerhead sprayer for the kitchen sink begins to wildly spray water all over the kitchen.

SLOW MOTION

The woman regains balance, and tilts her head. She flips her soaking wet, long black hair, and gets some water on TCWUTLA's yellow biker jumpsuit thing. She gives our TCWUTLA a look of erotic lust, and begins to slowly flip her hair (and this is already in slow motion, so her flipping is SLOW!). She places her kitchen knife on the kitchen counter and picks up the wriggling extendo-reach showerhead sprayer for the kitchen sink, and holds it above her chest. Slowly, each droplet of water falls onto her chest, running down her body onto the floor... her blue sweater jacket and white shirt underneath are soaking wet now, and so are her blue jogging pants...

TCWUTLA, please! Regain yourself!

_Sorry..._

NORMAL SPEED

The woman turns and shuts off the extendo-reach showerhead sprayer for the kitchen sink, and picks up her knife. She is dripping wet, clothes clinging to her black skinned body, black hair a wet mess around her face...

"Ready bitch?"

"It all depends- when do you want to die? Tomorrow? The day after tomorrow?"

"How about right now, bitch?"

"Splendid, where?"

"How about one of the only rooms in my meager house left undemolished by our titanic battle?"

"Ok, black woman, let's go."

"Wait, I'm not a woman, nor am I black. God, ho bitch.."

"Excuse me? I am also a male. I may _look _like The Crazed Uma Thurman

Look Alike (henceforth referred to as TCUTLA), who is a woman, but I am not. I am The Crazed _Wannabe _Uma Thurman Look Alike (Henceforth referred to as TCWUTLA). And I am _male._ A male with long hair... long black hair... What about you?"

"I'm a single white male, who enjoys long walks on the beach, squishing helpless flies, and hiring random celebrity look-alikes to kill my best friends..."

"Wait! Gasp! That means a seizure-inducing red in-and-out zooming sequence is about to occurr!"

MARC  
MEMBER OF:  
**THE FATAL COBRA FANFICTION SQUAD  
CODENAME: Nineteenth Angel**

"Whatever... want some coffee?"

"Whoa, what's with the bi-polar mood swing? Yeah, I'd _love_ some coffee."

TCWUTLA leans against a random counter, as the dripping wet _non-black, male_ begins to pour coffee.

"Cream and sugar?"

"Doesn't matter- like a good assassin, I will only pretend to drink what you offer me- _obviously_ you have ample opportunity to poison it-"

"So what then? Cream and sugar?"

"What the hell- sure."

Marc finishes preparing coffee for both of them, and hands TCWUTLA a steaming mug. Like previously stated, TCWUTLA pretends to sip the coffee, then ignores it.

"You're a really good writer. Bvill told me you'd be good, but I never knew you were _that _good."

"Yeah well I try."

"Bvill also tells me that you finished off Helen and her Krazy 88. This is true?"

"Of course."

"Yes, well, they were ruining fanfiction for us all anyway- wasting so many chapters on the hundred plus of the same person..."

"Ya, try being in those chapters against them- it gets _very_ repetitive... I never wanna hear the name '_Tom'_ again..."

"We gotta finish this."

"I know. It all depends. When do you want to die? Tomorrow? The day after tomorrow?"

"How about tonight bitch."

"Splendid, where?"

"There's a small internet cafe where some of the locals write their 'normal fiction'- not worthy of a _fan_fiction battle, but it should do."

"Fine. Weapon of choice?"

"I'll bring my knife."

"You always were the best with that sharp blade- whether a pen or a knife."

"Alright then. Anyways, are you hungry?"

"No."

Marc turns to open a cupboard, still dripping wet.

"Y'know it really is a shame. We coulda used you on our team. You really

are a good fanfiction writer."

"Yeah, well, your _leader_ should have read the Author Notes."

Marc pulls out a box of Yu-Gi-O's (a rip off, I know, but I couldn't resist). Reaching for a bowl, the small, rat-like male succeeds in getting a red one off the top shelf. Pouring some cereal, he turns to TCWUTLA.

"Yeah, it really is a shame. You _were _a good fanfiction wri-"

_**BANG!**_

Marc shoots at TCWUTLA from the pistol craftily hidden in the Yu-Gi-O's box (talk about a prize in every box...). However, his aim is crappy, due to the fact that he was still soaking wet from the extendo-reach showerhead sprayer for the kitchen sink experience. TCWUTLA is startled by this random cheap shot (literally) and drops to the floor, swiftly withdrawing his concealed dagger from the pant leg of his yellow jump suit. In one fluid motion, he throws the dagger at Marc, lodging it deep in his jugular...wait...that word is too funny sounding...jugular..._jug_-ular...

In one fluid motion, he throws the dagger at Marc, lodging it deep in his scrawny rat-neck. His blood begins to pulsate out of the torn hole in his neck, and onto his wet jacket/white tee.

TCWUTLA walks over to the dead Marc, and withdraws the blade from his neck. Wiping it on Marc's wet jacket, TCWUTLA walks out of the kitchen, through the shattered living room, and out the door, towards the waiting neon truck, the "Random Wagon". Sitting in the driver's seat of the truck, TCWUTLA reaches for a random notebook, purchased with random money that TCWUTLA didn't have. He flips it open to reveal a page with a list. A very important list. A list like no other...alright, it's like the list from Kill Bill, and from Kill Phil, but here it goes:

DEATH LIST TWENTY-AND-A-HALF:  
Helen X  
Marc X  
Nancy  
Tom  
Adam  
_Bvill_

_And so it was done. Person two of my death list of 6 was ticked off. Ticked off as in crossed off the list- I had already managed to tick off everyone on the Fatal Cobra Fanfiction Squad. I still had a long, long way to go, until I reached Bvill, but for now I soaked up my fresh kill._

_I had just killed Marc, and I had killed Helen by this point. Locating Helen was the simple part- when one becomes the foremost of anime collectors in the world, one doesn't hesitate to keep it silent. She ruled the Tokyo underworld of anime, so she was easiest to find. And, in a time when I knew least about my enemies, I knew the most about her..._

_Now, I will break into her story shortly (well, not really shorty, as there is like some more chapters to go...) but first, I must tell you a prelude, something to let you know how I... tick. Does this have a point? No. It does, however, coincide with the tales of Kill Bill and Kill Phil, so I must include it in this saga. I can't tell you, as it would only take up half a chapter. Instead, I will show you..._


	3. Chapter Two: The Blood Splattered Bride

Kill Bvill v1

Chapter Two:

**"The Blood Splattered Bride"**

El Paso, Texas

A truck pulled up to a lonely little chapel. The driver, a sheriff with big elvis sunglasses on, looked at his dash, where there was a row of multi coloured sunglasses, for some stupid reason. He stopped right in front of the chapel and got out, with a superior small town sheriff air about him. He began to slowly walk toward the silent chapel, cowboy boots jingling as they made contact with the desert ground. He reached the doorway of the chapel to become faced with a horrific sight.

Nine dead bodies were placed around the chapel, with broken glass, blood, and splintered wood everywhere. He walked into the chapel and stopped in front of a dead woman in a bridal outfit, and began to speak to his son, who was examining the scene.

"Son number 9, what have we got here?"

"Well, pa, it's a fricken massacre. Nine dead bodies, includin' this little beauty here. What d'ya reckon did this?"

"It looks like the work of somebody organized... My guess is a crazed celebrity look-alike. They must have been good- they made short work of all them people in here..."

"Too bad, too. This little blond princess looks like she woulda been a beaut, if she hadn't been dead, or covered in blood."

The sheriff leaned over the face of the dead bride, contemplating what his 9th son just said. He was right- this little beauty was pretty...

Suddenly, a cough sounded, and the supposedly dead bride spit blood all over the sheriff's face.

"Son number 9, this little cunt ain't dead... and this little cunt's a bastard- a man with long hair..."

_Bet you thought I was dead, eh?_

_  
Well, I wasn't. You see, Bvill's last bullet put me in a coma- I survived. Four years, I lay comatose in the bumpkin hospital at El Paso, but I finally woke up. Why was I in a bridal gown if I am a male? You'll find out, in due time...and by that I mean probably in Volume 2... _

_When I woke up in the hospital, a slobbering man fawning over me...well, maybe I should recount the story... even though I was comatose, so there is no way I could know the exact deatails of the following tale..._

_But first, here is a little assassination attempt on a sleeping me..._

A car pulls to a screeching halt in front of a hospital...El Paso hospital... A woman gets out, 6' tall, blonde, and clad in a white nurse's uniform, which looks totally fake.

She walks in the hospital, whistling an annoying yet catchy little tune perfectly, lips and mouth never getting dry, and confidently strides past the other nurses toward her goal. Walking past the nurses, who don't realize that this woman's uniform is totally fake, she smiles maliciously and turns down a corridor. She walks into a random room to prepare...

"Excuse me? Nurse lady? What are you doing here?" It is the old man from the Simpsons, who always gets hit in the groin and falls, also recognized as the friend of Grandpa Simpson.

"Shut up, old daffer, I'm trying to prepare a serum of assasination." While she says this, the whistling continues to a climax, leading us to believe that the woman was really lip-synching the whistling...dastardly...

She sets the bag she is carrying down on the old geezer's bed, despite his old protests. She craftily withdraws a silver platter, a needle, and a bottle labelled with the label, 'Elixyr of Death'. She sets the silver tray on the bed beside the man, who is still babbling uselessly. She picks up the needle, inserts it into the bottle, and fills the needle with elixyr of death. It is at this time that she truly notices the old man with her.

"You're fuckin yellow."

"Excuse me? Ohhhh, my kidney..."

"Where the hell are you from, you yellow freak?"

"Who are you?"

"Oh, shit. Now you've triggered another crazy in and out seizure inducing zoom thing..."

NANCY  
MEMBER OF:  
**THE FATAL COBRA FANFICTION SQUAD  
CODENAME: Deadly Sirens**

"Now wasn't that traumatic? Hey, geezer...great, he had a seizure and died...Meh."

She resumed fixing the tray to hold the single needle. Pointless, really, carrying a single needle on a tray, but hey, it's in Kill Bill!

The crazy nurse woman resumes her whistling lip-synching freakshow down another random corridor, and she finally, FINALLY reaches the room of our hero, TCWUTLA. She steps inside, drops the bag, and places the tray neatly on the bedside table.

"Well, well, well. If it isn't our little TCWUTLA. (henceforth referred to as 'Tcwutla') Man, you sure got drive. That bullet that Bvil (formerly Phil) put in your head shoulda killed you, but you kept on tickin. Now, it is my job to..."

She reached for the needle.

"Now. Don't think that I don't respect you. Because I do. Hell, in the profession of fanfiction, you should be greatful for this kind of death. However, I will administer this poison to you with utmost dignity and respect."

She slowly moves the needle toward the peacefully slumbering Tcwutla, who is blissfully unaware of what is going on. Suddenly, the Nancy the nurse's cell rings, startling her. Emitting a loud 'Aw Hell!' She gets her cell and snaps it open.

"Yes Bvill. She is alive. I am standing over her right now..."

"Good job, Nancy... However, I am calling to tell you to abort the mission. Assignment terminated. Get out of there- you did a good job, but we aren't going to kill him in this manner."

"MOTHER FUC-"

"Nancy, control..."

"Mother Fucker. We have EVERY right to kill that little bitch-"

"Now, do you mean to defy my direct order? I said get out of there. I miss you- come on home."

"Awwwkay Bvill..."

She snapped the phone shut and whipped around to the sleeping Tcwutla.

"Bet ya thought that was pretty fuckin funny, didn't ya? Well, you're lucky Bvill read the Author's Note, or you'd be DEAD. Now, goodbye."

And with that, she gathered her things and left the room.

_Now, I plunge you, the reader, deep into the cavity of the past. See now, what I had to experience when I woke up._

"Allright, everyone gather round. Now, what we have here- yes, Mr. Bvuck?"

"Oom, yuss docta. I must know, woot iz ziss patient's name and condizion?"

"Um... this patient is comatose, and we don't know his name. The folks here at the hospital call him 'Kyle', on account of he looks like a Kyle. Now..."

_This particular experience was just before I woke up. I was in a room with seven other comatose patients, and one of those med school batches came to take some 'on the field' notes. So, here we were- seven comatose patients, a doctor, four med students, and little old me. This was fun..._

"Excuse me, doctor, I think this male just opened his eye at me."

"What? He is comatose. Kyle isn't expected to wake up for a long time, if ever. He was shot in the head."

_Suddenly, I sat up, and winked at the startled five people. I then grinned mischeviously and proceeded to snap all their little necks. I just couldn't resist- that little foreign boy was just lookin at me, and I swear I felt him drooling on me...So, I had not even gotten out of bed after four long years of being a comatose patient, and I had already killed five people. _

Tcwutla swung his legs aroung and sat up on the side of the bed. Flipping his long black hair and giving his sexiest model face, he got up and- CRASH- he fell to the floor.

_Oh, that was hot..._

Tcwutla realized that his legs had not come out of hibernation from the coma yet. This would be difficult...

Tcwutla crawled over to the door, knowing exactly what to do. He reached up and twisted the handle...

...and proceeded to scream bloody murder into the hall. Immediately, he heard footsteps.

The door flew open, a male nurse running in immediately. Looking around, he let out a gasp at the sight of the five dead people on the floor near the empty bed. Suddenly...

...something sliced the tendon in his foot, causing him to squeal with pain and drop to the floor. He writhed in pain, searching for the cause of his cut. He turned to the door, where our Tcwutla was hiding behind.

"Hey there. I gotta ask you something... Do you have a Pussy-?"

The man's screams blocked out the rest of the question. Sighing, Tcwutla took the scalpel and plunged it into the man's temple, wriggling it around viciously. The now dead male nurse ceased moving on the floor. Tcwutla proceeded to search the male nurse, and to his joy he found a set of keys, with a keychain that read 'Random Wagon', in loopy 70's style letters. For some reason, Tcwutla reached in another pocket and pulled out large elvis-style glasses. He put them on, somehow being able to see...

He proceeded to crawl into the hallway, where he met no less than four janitors, two security guards, three female nurses, a doctor, a male nurse, and a lost stripper. Sighing, he snapped all their necks (don't ask how it is possible for a crippled floor bound biotch to snap the necks of 12 people...) and stole the empty wheelchair that the lost stripper was pushing. Tcwutla was now wheeling down the corridors of the hospital, toward the parking lot.

Tcwutla wheeled past many cars in the underground lot, wondering where the dead male nurse's car would be. Suddenly, a passing mobile caught his eye.

I SAY URRRRRCH!

Tcwutla looked straight ahead, then whipped his head to look at the car, then whipped his head back looking straight...all the while carefully avoiding whiplash. In one quick motion he withdrew the keys from the pocket of the hospital gown and looked at the 70's keychain, then the tailgate of the truck.

**"RANDOM WAGON"**

_Well, that was easy..._

Tcwutla wheeled over to the truck, opening the door of the back seat, then hauling himself in. Ditching the wheelchair and closing the door, Tcwutla sat back and caught his breath from the tiring experience, taking off his sunglasses.

_The climax of my chapter has not yet been achieved. First, I must..._

_**'Wiggle your big toe'**_

_C'mon, try it at home, it's fun. Stare at your ugly feet, then talk to your appendages. Repeat after me, while glaring at you toe:_

_**Wiggle your big toe.**_

_**Wiggle your big toe.**_

_Okay, that didn't work...let's try it in a British accent._

_**Wiggle your big toe.**_

_Aww hell! I forgot, you're reading this, so accents really aren't affective...Oh well..._

_**I SAID WIGGLE YOU DAM LITTLE BITC- ooo hey!**_

Tcwutla's big toe started to wiggle and shake like a polaroid picture. It boo-toe popped, it did the twist, it knocked up your grandmother...

_Allright, the hard part's over. Now, for the next eight hours, I will do the same thing to my legs. Yee-haw._

_As I sat there, in the back of the dead male nurse's Random Wagon, willing my limbs out of entropy, I began to think...to plan... I had to get revenge on the Fatal Cobra Fanfiction Squad, and I knew exactly who would be easiest to find..._

**Eight Hours Later...**

_Wow, that seemed to go by quick..._

The sound of a car door opening, and we see feet dropping onto the pavement by the bottom of the truck. They proceed to scurry four steps to the front door, which opens.

Tcwutla got into the front seat of the car, revved the engine, and gave a wink as he put the glasses back on. He would take a plane...he would read about his targets on that plane... He knew exactly where he was gonna go...

"One ticket to Japan" Says Tcwutla, slamming a wad of ones on the airport counter.


	4. Three: The Fatal Cobra Fanfiction Squad

Kill Bvill v1

Chapter Three:

**"The Fatal Cobra Fanfiction Squad"**

_From nowhere, the Charlie's Angels theme song starts...play it now..._

Some seizure-inducing swirls of 70's colour begin to show, and silhouettes of three women appear.

Once upon a time, there were three very special little girls...

_Charlie's Angels song keeps playing, so hum it now!_

A little girl with bubble gum pink piggie tails is sitting at a table, facing a big fat greasy-looking man. A large sign behind them reads 'Anime Card Dueling!' She places one card on the table, and the fat man begins to cry. Out of nowhere, a old man presents the smiling little girl with a trophy.

**HELEN**

Another little girl is sitting in front of a massive tv screen playing an army game. She is clad in army clothing, and is kicking the other boys asses in a tank game. She whips her head around as the screen flashes 'Siren Wins!' and gives a wicked grin.

**NANCY**

A third little girl is sitting at her computer, reading some fanfiction. She swivels around, flipping her long black hair, and we see that she is in fact a little Boy! He shrugs his shoulders and points to the screen, which reads the title, _Kill Phil_.

**KYLE**

...Who grew up to be three extraordinary teens!

A woman is sitting at a table facing a little boy, set with a poker face. The sign behind them now reads, "Pokemon TCG World Championships!" The woman places a single card and giggles profusely, while the boy bursts into tears and calls for his mother. The same random old man hands her another trophy, as she beams to the crowd.

**BELOVED FOOL**

We see a battlefield, and a single enemy, frantically waving his machine guns. Suddenly, he erupts into an explosion via homing missile! We hear hysterical laughing, and see a woman holding a bazooka missile hauncher on her shoulder, decked in army gear. She smiles wickedly and winks.

**DEADLY SIRENS**

Finally, we see a woman sitting with a lap top, cheerfully typing away. She is in a room with fanfiction awards lining the walls. She turns around and gives us an angry look, mouthing the words, 'I am a _guy_, asshole!' Oh...Well, the _male_ with long black hair breaks into a bi-polar happy smile, and points to the typing on the lap-top screen, and we see the title, 'Kill Bvill'.

**THE CRAZED WANNABE UMA THURMAN LOOK ALIKE**

And so we have it, three very special females- oh sorry, _two _very special females and a male. Who are they? Well, the women are my angels. Who am I? Well, I'm Bvill (formerly known as Phil). They are a small part of the squad which I lead, the...(dum dum dum DUUUUMMMMM!)

The **FATAL COBRA  
FANFICTION SQUAD  
**The **Fa. Co. Fa. S**

_Facofas? What the hell? Oh well, ain't much weirder than 'Tcwutla'..._

**STARRING**

(Charlie's Angels theme is still running...)

A female surrounded by plushie anime characters smiles, and gives the Japanese 'V' with her fingers.

HELEN

as

BELOVED FOOL

A male drops from the ceiling, squashing the image of Helen, waving a knife with no skill whatsoever.

MARC

as

NINETEENTH ANGEL

Marc swings his knife and ends up cutting himself, and a thousand little identical guys bleed out of him, until Marc eventually explodes into...

TOM

as

TOM-TOM: THE ORIGINAL TOM

In one swipe, all the toms are cut in half, revealing a woman holding a massive laser cannon.

NANCY

as

DEADLY SIRENS

The second-last character rolls over Nancy in an Apocalypse Tank straight from Command and Conquer: Red Alert2. He jumps out, clad in Soviet attire...

ADAM

as

SOVIET MAN

Finally, a mysterious shroud envelopes the screen, and a silhouette with a giant question mark appears...

PHIL

as

BVILL

Created by Phil

Copied by Kyle

Avenged by Bvill

_Now that you've met who I'm up against, you have some idea of the trouble I am facing. While I know who I am going to kill, I am still unaware of their strengths and weaknesses. Therefore, I turned to who would be easiest to find- Helen, AKA Beloved Fool. She would be first on my list of death, and I knew where to find her- JAPAN... This would be great, as I needed to stop by Japan anyways..._

_Now, Beloved Fool's background is a total mystery. What is known is this- she conquered the underworld of TCG Battling at 10, and dominated the Tokyo underworld of anime at 17..._

**A/N- Well, how dyall like it so far? I am writing this because I read Kill Phil, volume one, and I am too tired of waiting for volume 2, plus, i wanted to write a kill bill funny of my own, and upon reading Kil Phil, i found places where i could insert my own little funnies...**

**Please R/R, and if you havent read KILL PHIL, By SPONGE, please do so!**


	5. Chapter Four: Origin of Hel N

Kill Bvill v1

Chapter Four:

**"Origin of Hel-N"**

Helen was born and raised in an American office building just outside of Tokyo, Japan. Her father, an American-Dutch businessman, had fallen in love with her Japanese-Turkmenistani mother. Helen rarely talked about her American-Dutch-Japanese-Turkmeni heritage. At the age of 9, her parents were brutally defeated right in front of her eyes...

A small girl lay under the desk in her parents' office, watching the scene as it took place...

There were three dangerous-looking men in suits in the room, two of them holding her mother hostage while the other dealt with her father. They were both standing up, and they were locked in a heated duel for a title...the title of...

Yu-Gi-Oh TCG Champion!

Duel Disks on their arms, the men were sweating profusely as they played card after card. Suddenly, the man threw a cheap shot at her father, diminishing his Life Points to zero... his title was lost...he was defeated. He dropped to the floor, eyes locking with the trembling Helen, a single tear forming in his eye...

The mother screamed and wriggled out of the two suit's grasps. She ran to the office cupboard and withdrew her own Duel Disk, and challenged the victorious man... she said something in Japanese, roughly translating to 'I am the _real_ champion, not my husband...he is just a cover for _my _power! Duel me for the title right now!'

And so they dueled. The other two men picked up the father's deck and began to rip up his cards, little peices of paper flying everywhere, like a blizzard of snow. Meanwhile, the man dueled her mother with the deck he had obtained from his boss...Boss Yaka-ooza...

Suddenly, the mother let out a small gasp, then a shriek of terror. Her life points had been obliterated by another cheap attack, and she too had been defeated. Slowly, she fell, landing on top of the desk. with a cry, the three men seized the deck, and ripped it to shreds. Tiny peices of what was her mother's most cherished cards began to drift onto Helen's face, and she slowly began to tear...

The men laughed, and one of them kicked over a bottle of whisky that was on the desk. With the stud of a cigarette, he lit the liquid on fire, sending the room into flames...

_Lucky for Helen, Boss Yaka-ooza was a pedophile, so she was able to get close enough to him to seek her revenge..she was 14._

An old man lay on his bed, his shirt open and him in his shorts. A young girl sat on his lap, mounted as if she were on a horse. She giggled as the man's hands slowly began to make their way toward her chest, then she stopped, brushing aside his groping arms.

"Tell me...Do I look familiar?"

Suddenly, she reached into her shirt and pulled out a concealed Duel Disk. Then and there, she defeated the Boss, and regained her parent's honour.

"Do I look familiar to you? Perhaps...I look like someone you have defeated?"

She giggled as she grabbed the helpless man's deck...D_E_CK...and began to tear it to shreds. The man screamed as his torn cards filled the room.

The three henchmen entered the room, guns and Duel Disks ready. They saw the lifeless form of their Boss, covered in his shredded cards. They could not see the assailant, however, as she had ducked under the bed...

BANG! One of the men's legs was obliterated by the unseen shot. He fell to the floor and made eye contact with the fourteen year old Helen, and she shot him between the eyes. The other two bent to look at their attacker and say Helen, and she put a bullet into both their gaping mouths. Her work here was done.

_Helen proceeded to become one of the world's best assassins and foremost TCG gamers, until at 17, she conquered the council of the anime bosses of the underworld of Tokyo..._

We see a large boardroom, with several drunken men shouting and drinking happily. At the head of the table is Helen, and behind her is her bodyguard and assistant, whom we will meet later. There is one man, however, who is not so happy...

**SLAM!** One of the bosses slammed his fist on the table. All noise immediately died, and all heads turned toward him.

"Boss Tanaka, why do you disrespect the festivity of this meeting?" A random bald Boss yells in angry Japanese.

Boss Tanaka goes to speak, but is interrupted by the 'boo-ing' of all the other bosses.

"Now, now, gentleman. If Boss Tanaka has something on his mind, I encourage us all to politely listen and respect him. Now, what is wrong, Boss Tanaka?"

"I love this council. Hell, I love this council more than my own wife and child. I love the Anime Council more than anything else! How can you all just _sit_ there and act a fool when our BELOVED council is.. is..."

"Yes, Boss Tanaka..."

"I'M TALKING ABOUT THE PERVERSION OF THIS ESTEEMED COUNCIL!"

One of the bosses spoke up.

"Of what perversion do you speak?"

"Everyone knows that Anime is Japanese, and to have this- this- _Dutch-American-Turkmenistani _as our leader _SHAMES_ our fathers, who worked so hard to start this council!"

Everyone looked to Helen, waiting for a response. She kept a perfectly straight face, but she stood and addressed the council.

One of the bosses scolded Tanaka.

"Boss Tanaka, that is out of line-!"

"Now, now, Boss Hirushuugi of Inuyasha, Boss Tanaka has a very good point." Helen suddenly jumped up onto the large glass table, running in her white kimono and padded feet to the Boss Tanaka. Unsheathing her samurai sword in a fluid motion, she cut off the boss's head. She resheathed her sword, and bent to pick up the head, and began to calmly address _her_ council.

"Now, I'm going to say this in English, to stress the importance of what I say." She began, and her assistant began to translate:

"Alright. As your leader, I encourage you from time to time, and always in a respectful manner, to question my logic. If you're unconvinced that a particular plan of action I've decided is the wisest, tell me so, but allow me to convince you and I promise you right here and now, no subject will ever be taboo. Except, of course, the subject that was just under discussion. The price you pay for bringing up either my Dutch, American, or Turkmenistani heritage as a negative is - I collect your FUCKING HEAD! JUST LIKE THIS FUCKER HERE! NOW, IF ANY OF YOU SONS OF BITCHES GOT ANYTHING ELSE TO SAY, NOW'S THE FUCKING TIME!"

_None did. None ever did after that, and Beloved Fool became just that-beloved. She dominated the anime world, winning every world TCG championship, beating every anime video game championship, and forming the world's foremost collection of anime plushies and manga comic books. Now, she is one of the world's best fanfiction writers, and a member of Phil's Fatal Cobras. She also leads the underground crime rings of Japan's anime world, and she even had her own personal bodyguard gang- The Krazy 88. Actually, this 'gang' is all one person, but don't worry- I won't subject you to the horror of that until a few chapters from now. First, I must do something VERY important._

"Welcome to Japan, male with long black hair!"

_Wink!_


	6. Chapter Five: The Man From Okinawa

Kill Bvill v1

Chapter Five:

**"The Man From Okinawa"**

_I was finally in Japan, however I had a stop to make before plunging headlong into Tokyo...Okinawa- a chain of islands far off the coast of southern Japan. It was here that I needed to meet..._

Tcwutla walked into what he thought would be the old, run down sushi bar from Kill Bill and Kill Phil, however, he was surprised! He was standing in front of the address, and it was the correct address... but _why_ was this building so...

"Hanzo-tacular... Hanzo-Tacular Sushi Bar and Grille. You have _got_ to be fuckin kidding me. Everyone knows that Okinawa is known for its bad sushi... This place is a freaking-"

_I stood in front of the massive neon establishment, looming directly in front of me. I decided to just go in first, because standing outside like a stupid buffoon was stupid, when I had places to go, and people to kill. I walked to the gleaming glass door, and reached to push it open when it..._

The gleaming glass door in front of Tcwutla slid open fluidly.

_Automatic sliding doors..._

Tcwutla walked into the neon interior of the sushi bar. It was full of chattering people, sitting at neon tables eating what else but sushi. Tcwutla walked directly to the bar, which was empty at the moment, as they had served everyone.

"English?" The man behind the bar asked, a wize Japanese man around his 50's.

"Almost--- Canadian." Tcwutla played his 'ditzy non-blonde tourist male' act.

"Ahh... Canada...welcome, welcome. My english very goode."

"Domo."

"Oh, 'Domo', Very good -- very good, you speak Japanese?"

"Nooo, just a few words I learned since yesterday. - May I sit at the bar?"

"Sure sure sure - sit. What other words did you learn?"

"Oh...let's see...'Arigato.' "

"'Arigato'...Very good!"

"Ah-so."

"Ah-so! You know what ah-so means!"

"It means 'I see'."

"Ah-so, I see, very goooood."

" I already said "Domo", right?"

"Yes."

"Kon-netie-wa."

"Ohhhhhh, noooooo. Ko-ni-_chi_-wa. Repeat, please."

"Ko-ni-chi-wa."

"Most impressive...you say Japanese words, like you Japanese."

"Aww, now you're just makin fun of me."

"No no no - serious business. Pronunciation - very good. You say "Arigato" ...like we say "Arigato." "

"Well thank you, I mean, Arigato."

"First time in Japan?"

"Uh-huh!"

"What brings you to Okinawa?"

"I'm here to see a man."

"Oh yeah? You have a friend living in Okinawa?"

"Not quite."

"Not a friend?"

"I've never met him."

"Never? Who is he, may I ask?"

"Some Random Guy."

The man froze, and slowly turned his gaze to the now serious Tcwutla. Tcwutla began in flawless Japanese-

"I need a dildo."

"Why do you need Japanese dildo?"

"I have vermin to kill."

"You must have pretty big bitches if you need Some Random Guy Dildo."

"_Huge_."


	7. Super Dildo

Kill Bvill v1

Some Random Guy led Tcwutla through the back of the snazzy Sushi establishment, to a back room, which was even nicer than the lobby of the sushi bar. It was Some Random Guy's personal office, and he reached to the ceiling and grabbed the randomly dangling string. Down dropped a hidden staircase, which led to...

Tcwutla climbed the staircase, followed by Some Random Guy. Tcwutla's head emerged into a strange room. It was a small run-down loft/attic place, clearly devoted to Some Random Guy's lost art- sex.

There were two flashing neon signs on the walls, depicting the silhouette of a stripper, with the words, 'Nude Bitches', and 'Cum Hores' on them. They were clearly special to Some Random Guy. There were also posters of many porn stars on the walls, all of which autographed fondly. Tcwutla wondered why he was there, when his gaze turned to the far wall, which was right in front of him, and which he hadn't noticed until stated last sentence.

He let out a small gasp, and ran to the wall. There were racks on the walls, each with a different instrument set on it.

"Dildos!" Tcwutla breathed, taking the sight of all the hand-crafted dildos in. It was the most amazing sight he had ever seen. There were fuzzy pink ones, polka-dotted yellow and blue ones, one with Elvis on it, one in the _shape _of Elvis...

Tcwutla ran closer to the rack, reaching to pick up a shiny Pikachu Dildo. He caught himself, and turned to seek permission of Some Random Guy.

"It is alright- go ahead." He smiled like a proud father to a favourite son. "Except, try..._this one_." Walking over to the rack beside Tcwutla, he lifted one of the dildos off the rack with the utmost of reverence...

"It is so amazing!" Tcwutla gasped as he held the dildo in his hands. It was a monster sized one, and it was the colour of skin.

"I call that one the Monster Cock Dildo...it is 15 inches long. Go ahead, give it a swing..."

Tcwutla waved the Monster Cock Dildo around in the air, smiling widely.

"It is funny how you like Dildos." Some Random Guy stated mischeviously, as he conveniently withdrew a random baseball from his pocket. "...I like Baseball."

He pitched the baseball at Tcwutla hard and fast.

"OW! BITCH!" The ball hit Tcwutla on the head, making him stumble and curse. "What the hell was that for? What, were you expecting me to cut the bastard in half? With what? This DILDO? It's a fucking _dildo!_ It isn't even SHARP!"

"Oh, sorry- I don't know what came over me...It is good that I could show you these, but one as talented as you must know that I no longer make sex toys..." Some Random Guy said as he took the dildo back and placed it on the rack. Tcwutla gave him a dirty look behind his back and stuck out his tongue.

_I should just kill him and steal all his dildos, but somehow, killing Some Random Guy seems like a stupid thing to do..._

"I live a quiet life, as head of the Hanzo-Tacular Sushi Bar and Grille, where you can eat sushi and live great, which is rapidly becoming the McDonald's of Japan, but I am retired from the sex-toys business. I am proud of my life's work, but I no longer make dildos."

"Then why not just give me one of these?" Tcwutla imposed.

"They are not for sale." Some Random Guy replied.

"I didn't say _sell_- I said _GIVE_."

"Sorry, but this is my private collection. They have immense sentimental value to me, and cannot just be given away. Besides, why should I help you eliminate your vermin?"

"Because- considering the vermin, I think that you are obliged..."

"You mean..." Some Random Guy walked over to the attic window, which was covered in some anonymous white residue...He began to scrawl a name into the residue, finally pulling his finger away.

_**BVILL**_

Tcwutla nodded, and Some Random Guy gave a downcast look.

Some Random Guy walked over to the trapdoor and began to descend.

"I will fashion for you the finest dildo I have ever made. It will take a while, so you can sleep right there." He gestured to the table in the corner, which had chain bonds and leather straps on it. He finished descending and closed the trapdoor. Tcwutla climbed onto the sex-rack and closed his eyes to sleep-

The door flew open, and Some Random Guy popped up.

"All done!" He walked over to Tcwutla and poked him on the side of the head. Tcwutla sat up and crawled off the table, as Some Random Guy led him toward the curtain beside the racks of dildos.

He brushed it aside to reveal another attic, a sex shrine. There was sex-toys everywhere, and two plush cushions were placed facing each other on the floor. Chains and whips hung from the ceiling, and incence burned in the corners. There was a stereo softly playing moans and 'oh yes!'-es in the background. Some Random Guy sat upon one of the cushions, a sheath in his hands. Tcwutla walked to the facing cushion and sat down.

"I have in my hands the most powerful Dildo ever created. In fashioning it, I have broken an oath-"

"Wait, you _made_ that? Just now? You were only gone for like 2 seconds!"

Some Random Guy gave Tcwutla a dirty look, and grumbled, "Yes, I am that good. I still got the phunk, after the years of retire- now, if we can get back to my _script_..."

"Sorry..."

"I have broken an oath I swore to God. I give it to you because I was screwed over by Bvill, and I want to see the little nerd pay. This dildo was created for the purpose of killing people, and in that way it was successful...maybe even too successful...(I accidently cut off my best sushi chef's head when I was bringing it back to the attic...)"

Tcwutla looked at the dildo sheath.

_Wow, that's hot. But, why does a dildo have a sword's sheath? Oh well. It gleams jet black, with yellow trim...it is very impressive..._

"I can tell you with no ego that this is the greatest dildo ever made. It is probably even the most powerful sex-toy ever created. No weapon or sex-toy will ever match its power..."

_Wow- all that power and it was made in like 2 seconds..._

Some Random Guy suddenly unsheathed the dildo, which shone like the rising sun. It was thin, sharp, and shining like polished silver. It had a black handle (which was the testice part of the dildo). He held the meter-long dildo still, and it seemed as if the molecules in the air were getting their asses cut in half...

"Should you encounter God, then God will be cut...Now, we get to learn the rules of the sex toy!"

"What the shit? Just give me the damn dildo!"

"No- rules, or no dildo."

"Fine, just hurry up."

"Now, repeat after me:" Some Random Guy began.

**RULE ONE: The dildo may look like a penis, but it isnt- it is very sharp**

"Rule One, blah blah sharp dick blah."

**RULE TWO: The dildo had feelings too, and should be respected**

"Rule Two: blah blah, respect the inanimate cock, blah."

**RULE THREE: No taking the dildo anally or orally or vaginally- or it will cut you in half**

"Blah blah, dont screw the dildo, who's purpose is to be screwed."

**RULE FOUR: The didlo's name is Sharpie Doom Cock**

"What the hell? That's stupid- I'm calling it Super-Dildo of Impending Doom!"

"WONDERFULL! Now we move on to Warrior's Philosophy 101! REPEAT AFTER ME!"

**WHEN engaged in combat, kill the enemy ruthlessly and vanquish all foes**

"God in Hell, just gimme the dildo! GIMMMMEEEE!"

**Suppress all emotion and human compassion...**

"I'm not listening-la la la lalalalalalala-"

"GOD DAMN WOMAN! Haven't you watched Kill Bill or read Kill Phil or seen any classic Kung Fu revenge flicks? I need to dish this philosophy crap. Just listen- I want to get over this a much as you do, believe me."

"No, just give me the dil-"

**THWAP**

_...oO...No one's ever thwaped me on the head with their penis before..._

"Allright, all done. Now you may unleash the power of the Supper Happy Godlike Fun-Dildo of Happiness! (I changed the name)."

Tcwutla eagerly snatched the dildo from Some Random Guy, accidently severing his arm. He waved it (the dildo, not the severed arm) around the air for a little bit, till he got bored. You could hear the orgasming virgins as the sword-like dildo cut the air. That was how powerful the dildo was.

The dildo began to hover above Tcutla's extended arms, rotating slowly.

DUM DUM DUM DUM DUUUUUMMMM!

You have received the Supper Happy Godlike Fun-Dildo of Happiness, (though you want to call it the Hyper Mega Kickass Swordildo of Sharp Death!)

It has been said that the Dildo can cut through the gods, but you should be able to kill the rest of your targets with ease!

**TCWUTLA GOT THE DILDO OF MANY NAMES!**

**He feels happy and slightly odd at holding a meter long shapr penis replica, but that's okay!**

STATS

DILDO OF MANY NAMES

69 Attack

69 Defence

Deals Double damage to random people

Deals Triple damage to virgins

Super-Effective against Bosses

Has a 0.000001 chance of unleashing Super Penetration on enemies


	8. Chapter Six: Some Random Stalking

Kill Bvill v1

Chapter Six:

**"Some Random Stalking"**

**A/N- hello to my beautiful readers i love you all! Oki doke basically this chapie is for Sovit Man AKA ADAM from the facofas death squad, and THANK you for reviewing you ROCK! Now please read on, as this work was put to the top of my to-do-list, because of your sparkling review...keep em comin:P**

It was night in downtown Tokyo, but day everywhere else. A black limo drove through the pulsating streets of the city, and Beloved Fool had someplace to be...

Tonight was the new Pokemon Trading Card Game Dueling Universe Championship (_The PoTCaGDUC- Potcagduc? What the hell?_). It was a new card championship to decide the all-time best Pokemon card gamer. Plus, it allowed all the newly released Pokemon cards to be used, so it would decide the master of all Pokemon cards released. Beloved Fool could not resist this. Her limo was now coursing through the streets, toward the place of the contest- the House of Obvious Flowers.

Beloved Fool looked toward the people sitting with her, and creeplily examined their looks. To her immediate left was her personal bodyguard and Japanese Bondage Slave, Fook-Mii. She was a slightly psychotic 17 year old Japanese Bondage slave who, at the tender age of 16, decided to become an assassin, after her first kill...

Fook-Mii is sitting at a bar beside a Japanese businessman with VERY bad teeth. She is drinking, and the man is attempting to court her.

"Do you like Ferraris?"

"Ferrarri...Italian trash!" She spat.

The Japanese businessman giggled. Fook-Mii turned innocently to him, and said in a girlish voice:

"Do you want to screw me?"

He giggled stupidly again.

"Don't laugh. It shows your ugly teeth. Do you want to screw me- yes or no?"

"Yes."

Fook-Mii whipped out a dildo and stabbed it through the man's tummy.

"How about now, ugly teeth? Do you still wish to penetrate me? Or is it I that has penetrated you? Bmwahahahahahahahahahaha...haha!...ha! Alright! Scene over- back to narration!"

Sorry...

Beloved Fool looked to her right, where her trusty assistant sat. This particular assistant was fluent in the languages of Djiboutian, Swiss, Iraquish, and Klingon. English and Japanese too. She was currently talking on her cell phone in rapid Swiss. She handled all the secretary-like affairs for Beloved Fool and her Krazy 88. She was wearing a black kimono, and had her long black hair tied up in a tight bun. Her massive fake boobs giggled with every bump the limo hit... they were like jello-filled creamy pods of goodness...

Beloved Fool, you're getting drool on yourself.

"What? Where did that imposing male voice come from? Whatever."

Finally, Beloved Fool turned straight ahead to stare at the leader of her Krazy 88. This particular male was a look alike of Tom, one of the other members of the Facofas Death team. For some stupid reason, he got multiplied into a kajillion clones of himself, and not knowing that to do with them other than using them in the sex industry or to build a pyramid, Bvill sent them to guard Beloved Fool. This Tom was currently...

...giving Beloved Fool a look of pure lust. He was licking his lips, winking hornily, and put his hand to his mouth, fingers in a 'V'. His tongue began flapping between the fingers, and-

"Tom! Control yourself!"

"Sorry..."

_Hot Damn, why did Bvill have to make the horny clone the head of my gang?_

_...Excuse me, Tcwutla here, mind staying the hell away from my signature thought process thingy?_

_What the hell?_

_GOD WOMAN! Everyone knows that when I am portrayed as thinking in my mind, the words go to italics for a paragraph. In using them for your thoughts, you might have confused the reader, and caused great dishonour to me._

_Ok, sorry, I'll stay away from italics from now on._

_Splendid. OKAY RESUME STORY!_

Ah, yes. Now that we are introduced to the key members of Beloved Fool's council, which was totally useless, as we know they all die anyway, we can jump ahead to the mass-murder at the House of Obvious Flowers.

**Jumping ahead to massacre at House of Obvious Flowers**

In slow motion, we see Beloved Fool and her posse of personal guards/assistant people walking down the corridor of a lavish and posh Haus. It is the Haus (as they say in Germany) of Obvious Flowers. The contest is to begin in like three weeks, but Beloved Fool wants to settle in and eat some chocolat and take a waulke and make some sex...

Sorry. Anyways, they turn a corner and are met by a man and a woman, and are led to...

"Holy shit!" Helen AKA Beloved Fool exclaims.

"Something wrong, exalted leader of the Tokyo Underworld of Anime?" It's le hostess.

"This is the _exact _club place from Kill Bill volume one!"

Smiling nervously and darting her eyes around, the hostess began to stammer.

"Ehhhh, I have no clue what you speak about today follow along to suite!"

**Fasting Forward to when they all get into the suite from Kill Bill and when they start to act a fool.**

**_PWING!_ **

Helen's special sense is triggered by the sound of Tcwutla creeping just outside the doorway of their suite. She signals to Fook-Mii to go and check, then resumes watching her minions act a fool. Suddenly, she hears a loud call...


End file.
